...---***CRANBERRY WINTERS***---... (hidden faces) Issue 1, February 1996 ------------------ DINNER TABLE (of contents) - Statement of Intent (commonly called the 'letter from the editor') - _Wind_, poem - _A Child's History_, short story - _Carin_, short story and awful attempt at humour STATEMENT OF INTENT Month after month I have promised myself that I would start this (maga)zine, and yet only after a spontaneous idea that I should throw it all together this morning is it figuratively climbing to its feet. The Net is indundated with 'zines on every topic from every small town in existance, each editor trying to make a statement or, Goddamnit, at least be heard even if there is no statement to be made. Do I think that I can make mine special, interesting enough so that I can get more than a sigh of, "Oh, another 'zine?" I think I can BUT I also think that it will take more than one issue, one morning, to reach that point. In this issue I have a couple of older stories and a rather old poem, all some of my favourites (though not necessarily the most well-written). In the future - heck, even by the next issue - I hope to have included the works of other writers. So, take a look, tell me what you think. To contribute, send stories/editorials/poems/random thoughts to brideb@efn.org or phil@io.com . --Deborah Bryan, 17, hopefully future author _WIND_ if only i could hear your musical voice just one more time _A CHILD'S HISTORY_ 12 Septembre, '95 Mummy had been so involved in her magazine she had hardly even missed him. In fact, she hadn't noticed he'd been gone at all. She'd probably seen all of the children playing there in the sand - on the merry-go-round, or the slide, or swinging merrily on the swings - and thought that Adam must be over there somewhere. He hadn't been, really, but he jumped back into the playground and began to jostle the other children as though he had been hard at play the whole while. Minute after minute of boring gamery passed by until his mother placed her magazine in her purse and called to Adam. "Adam - time to leave." Adam tried his very best to look extremely disappointed, and continued to bother the younger, smaller children, as he usually did when Mummy tried to drag him from the playground. "Adam, you come here right now." Adam continued to play, waiting for Mummy to quite literally come and drag him, screaming and kicking, from the playground. When he did not interrupt his pummeling of the younger children, or destruction of their small sand fortresses, his mother pounded across the sand and grabbed hold of his small wrist. "When I say come here, I mean _come here_. I don't mean that I want you to stay and play for another three minutes, or an hour." Adam started to kick at Mummy as she dragged him across the sand, wailing and attempting to bite her with every chance he got. "You quit that, Adam, or there'll be no dinner for you!" Mummy's face was beginning to turn bright red, something that always amused Adam. He quit with his tantrum and watched his mother change colours, from pink to red to white again. He felt quite calm now, and climbed into the car with no excess prodding from Mummy. On the short ride home, he stared out the window in silence, thinking of his meeting with May, and of the things she had promised him. He just had to keep quiet about it with Mummy. He didn't think he could do that, but he was going to try his best. --- Mummy finished with his bedtime story and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep well tonight, dearest." Father echoed her sentiments from the hallway. "Yes, yes, sleep well, Son." Adam couldn't restrain himself. "Mummy - you know where I'm going tonight?" Mummy stopped at the door and turned around, a quizzical look on her face. "No... where are you going?" Mummy looked confused now, so Adam began to tell her where he was going. "Well, May promised me that I -" "May? May who?" Mummy had a habit of interrupting him before he could even finish what he was saying. Adam fidgeted with a corner of his blanket impatiently, rolled over to face his mum. "Well, she looks like Sam, but she's not. But she said I was going to be a king, a real live king, and that I could eat all I wanted and ride horses and swim whenever I wanted, and not have to go to sleep at 8:30 every night, anytime I want..." Adam trailed off, as he couldn't remember what it was that Sam had promised him anymore. And Mummy looked worried. "Where did you see this May?" Mummy didn't waste any time. Adam blushed, pulled the blanket just a little bit closer to his chin. "She waved at me from the trees at the playground, so I wanted to see who she was. She told me I could be king, and that she's going to take me away..." Adam realised that he shouldn't have said anything now, looking at Mummy's face, and quieted. Mummy was pale now, so pale she could almost blend into the wall, if she were to suddenly become two-dimensional. "She told you that she was going to take you away?" "Uhm... I can't remember." Adam pulled the cover up so that it tickled the tip of his nose. He wanted Mummy to go away now, and quit asking him questions. He wanted to go to sleep, and when he awakened, be a king as May had promised. She had said she'd take him away in his sleep, so that he wouldn't have to deal with the tiresome journey. "How convenient," Mummy muttered to herself, standing there in the doorway, light from the hallway haloing her hair and making her seem very pretty all of a sudden, almost like an angel. "You're sleeping with me tonight, Adam..." Mummy resolutely marched across the room and pulled the covers away from Adam's bed. "Mummy!" Adam whined, wanting more than ever for Mummy to just leave him alone. Mummy scooped his light seven-year-old body from the bed and carried him across the hall to her room. Adam could hear the television in his father's room, probably the news. His father was a very boring person, to Adam. Mummy set him down on his feet next to her bed and pulled the covers away. Adam climbed into the bed and laid down next to Mummy, who wrapped the covers tightly around the both of them. "You may be sleeping with me for a long time, Adam," Mummy whispered as she drifted off to sleep. Adam sighed, closed his eyes, and fell to sleep thinking of castles, princesses, and sweet, blissful gluttony. --- Shauna, done with the day's chores, set her weary body down on the couch, ready to flip through the channels for something interesting enough to take her from her troubles. Oh, and what troubles they were! She didn't know how long she would need for Adam to sleep with her, but she certainly couldn't keep him there for much longer. She could imagine what the other children might say to her dear son, how they would taunt him. "Adam still sleeps with his mom! Baby! Baby! What, do you think there's a monster under your bed?" Those children were malicious, certainly, particularly being so young. Shauna sighed, rubbed her eyes. Feeling a sudden urge to cry, she put her head between her knees and began to breathe deeply, in and out, in and out. "Everything will be all right, everything will turn out wonderfully, and May will go away... leave Adam alone." Adam hadn't seen May yet for a couple of weeks, but Shauna wasn't certain that she could trust this as a sign of acquiescence. "Kashayana." Shauna's head jerked up at the sound of her long-unused name, in a language that had after so many years grown foreign to her. There, a tall young woman, on the coffee table. Shauna did not question this person's silent entrance; she knew who she was, and could guess easily how she had got there. The young woman looked passively through her forest-green eyes, but spoke angrily. "I must have my brother, Kashayana." Shauna shook her head, softly at first and then with unmistakable hatred, not of this girl, but of her quest. "No. You shan't have him," Shauna breathed harshly, face feeling as though it had caught on fire. She imagined that her eyes might pop right out of her head any moment now. "Aren't you even going to ask why I need him so before you turn me away, Mummy?" Shauna closed her eyes. She did not need this reminder. She kept her mouth closed, tightly. "No. I don't care. I've left you behind, you and that whole rotten kingdom." She was speaking fluently, as though she had never quit speaking this language, her native language. The girl, May, nonchalantly flipped one leg over the other, so that she was sitting as was proper a young woman of her status. "Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I'll keep it down; I know you've got pressing matters to attend to." May grinned malevolently, and began to speak rapidly, without any sort of emotion showing in voice, gesture, or expression. "Your other son has grown sick, too sick to be cured. We can not do anything about this; I am not strong enough to heal him, and I am the strongest of all healers, and the most experienced. It has been foretold that he will die, and I was the only one able to think of a solution. "I only knew of his twin brother, the one you had taken away with my twin sister." May quieted for a moment. "My sister who has gone on, I know not where. I will never see her again..." Her gaze turned away from the ceiling to her mother, eyes ablaze. "The people must not lose faith in the power of the king and of the gods, and so I said I would come here for his brother, who is very similar to him, though with different customs and tongue." Shauna did not know what to say, and sat in silence for moment after moment. Finally, she said, "I left it all behind; I was told you would leave me alone when I came here, to this world. I was _promised_." She spoke bitterly of this promise, for it had been broken and she had been forced to live in agony for months now. "I gave you up; I gave Asrial up. Is that not enough for you? Why can you not take power, and say that it is because your brother is too young, and that you have sent him to another kingdom until he has grown more?" Her eyes began to blur with tears. Three children lost to her, and now one being pulled away. "I can not let you have him; he is all that I have anymore." May looked sympathetic, reached for her mother's hand. Her mother pulled away, not wanting to feel the touch of the daughter who had chosen to let her go forever, at the youngold age of seven. May shrugged. "I understand this, Kashayana. And this is why I brought something in exchange. I will take these memories, memories of our - my - kingdom, your children, and replace them with memories of one who has lived their life," May paused, spoke with scorn, "here." She spoke persuasively, almost blinding Shauna. "No more pain, Kashayana, none. Just a simple life of a wealthy fool." "I do not want my past to be lost, daughter. There is pain in it, but it is my past. And you will not take my son. That is all. Leave, now." The young woman raised her hand as though to hit her mother. She could easily hurt this woman, this tiny woman who had let her go so short a while before, her mother who had left her behind. Little choice; stay here, the place of birth and childhood, or go to another world, live a foreign life there amongst strange, cruel people. Even at seven, she had been wise enough to choose for herself. Her mother had born strong, willful children, all four of them. She stopped herself, berating herself silently. This was not the way of healers. "I have offered you this. You have rejected my offer. Remember this in later years, when pain is all that you have." The girl, thirteen years and eighty all at the same time, stepped away from the coffee table and right into the air, disappearing midstride. Now Shauna could not help it. She leaned her head against the table and cried. There was nothing she could do. Nothing. But she would fight, as well and for as long as she could. --- There, a child too young to notice his mother and siblings in the corner; mother hunched against the door frame, in tears, sister defiantly yelling at her mother. In one arm, his mother held a child. In another, she gripped her other daughter's wrist. He went about his playing, gurgling and babbling to himself as young children do, amusing himself with finger, toes, and the best dolls in all of the kingdom. Somehow, the dolls weren't quite so much fun, but sometimes they made a good substitute. Now, a man in deep blue robes hurries into the room, muttering apologies and excuses. "Sorry to have kept you waiting so long, milady, but I have been busy with other matters..." "I don't care!" his mother screams at the man. "Just take me away, take me away as quickly as possible!" She is tense; she can feel that her husband is ascending the steps even now. She does not want poor Asigman to feel the wrath of her husband for obeying her wishes; he must have time to die before her husband can reach the room. He has made it, somehow, as none of it is understood to her, so that once she is gone, he will die. No ceremony, a simple death. Such a kind man, Asigman. She would love him always, even though no one else would blink upon word of his death. Asigman nodded. With a kiss to her forehead, she and two of her small children were gone, to a world she had never seen but had heard Asigman tell many stories of. No coming back, ever, that was the promise. There would be no way that any of them could come back now that they had left. Asigman, Asigman; forever offering things he couldn't give only to be kind. After they are gone, a handsome man steps through the door. "Where is my wife?" the man demands, black hair falling across his face. Asigman opens his mouth, attempting to speak, but Death takes him, and he is gone even as the words try to free themselves. --- May sits next to her dying brother, stroking his sparse red hair with loving fingers. A tear falls from her eye; she feels helpless, knowing there is nothing she can do to stop him from leaving her. "Don't worry, Asrial. He'll be here soon enough." She smiles, kisses the feverish boy on the forehead before leaving him only with guard and bed. She hurries down the steps, skirt flying about her sandalled feet. She runs through the kitchen, past the hard-working slave-women, nearly flying to the spot where she has buried her father's ashes. Such is the way of the noble men; to die and become part of the earth who has given them up for only a brief while. Back to the Mother. "Father... I will have got him in just a little while." She kissed the ground, let her hair fall over the dust and leaves, the tiny twigs that made home of the ground. "And mother has hurt as much as you have, all things are even." She imagines a playground now, and a little boy. Only a little while, indeed. She runs back into the castle, darting once again through the noise-filled kitchen and on up the steps to her brother's room. "Asrial, Asrial, be well only for a little while." She hugs his frail body to her, and pictures the little boy who is so much like the brother she has known for all of her life. In a moment, the bed is gone. Their world is gone. Now, a world of pavement, pollution, and metal that moves, carries people around like slaves. A slight boy on the sidewalk, dancing merrily and singing to himself on his way home to Mummy. He stops, seeing May, and this boy who looks so much like himself. "May?" he asks timidly, and she smiles. "Yes, Adam. Are you ready to be king?" He nods excitedly, jumping up and down with enthusiasm. He's been ready for a long time. "Just one quick task to take care of, that's all." May holds the two boys two her, hugs them tightly. Here is a bedroom filled with dinosaurs and dragons, models of airplanes that Adam has painstakingly put together over the last months. "Asrial, you need to play Adam for a little while, alright? And you need to give this young lad your clothing." May turned away from the young boys who awkwardly undressed and exchanged clothing, looking at one another all the while. "Asrial, lay down." Asrial obeyed his older sister, unable to think of anything but the comfort of bed, of not having to stand. For a few minutes, Adam tried his best to sink into the wall. May held her younger brother and sang softly to him, until suddenly his body went limp. She kissed the boy whose body would not be dealt with properly, and held a hand out to Adam. "It's time to go, Adam." --- Now, a young man courts charming princesses in a world that has long been his home. He deals sometimes with pesky things - holds who would like better security, countries who wish to be allies, fighting the occassional madman who claims that the king is not really the king at all, but for the most part simply has a jolly old time, as all young lads should have. --- But there is, in another place, a woman whose face is permanently streaked with tears, whose losses are too great to be shared with any other. She wishes, oh, how she wishes, that she had accepted May's offer; this would not be her life. To no avail; this is how it will be, here in her room in the attic day in and day out, until Death has mercifully claimed her. As it had claimed her son, the ailing son traded for the brilliant, lively son, down in a bedroom even now decorated with dinosaurs and airplanes. _CARIN_ 18 June, '95 Carin turned and looked at Jay, sitting behind her in the car, grinning. "You know, I'd bet that rose bush would hurt as a bed." "Uhm, yeah. I think you're maybe right." "Do you ever think, as you're falling asleep, of cheese graters on your genitals?" Carin resumed staring out the window, a near-permanent blank look on her face; feigned innocence. One might think she was an angel if they were simply looking at her, not having the benefit of her odd, off-centre conversation. Jay was certain she was crazy, and he wondered how she got her license. Especially considering she had a tendency never to actually look at the road. But she was alright as a friend. She already had a job, an apartment, a car. Quite handy in times of need. "No, I don't. I just ... fall asleep." "Are you gay? I'm gay." "Uhm, sure. But, no, I'm not gay. I'm engaged, remember?" "To me?" Carin began to hum, tuneless monotone. Jay hadn't heard her hum or sing anything besides. "Not to you, Carin." Jay closed his eyes and leaned his head against the seat. "That's good. You can't be engaged to me, because I'm a lesbian." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "No, but I have a cat. Her name is Kiwi." Jay remained silent. Carin turned to her friend next to her, the one that Jay couldn't see but was keeping him out of the front seat. "I'm sick of driving, you silly girl." Carin pulled the car onto the shoulderof the road and stopped, got out of the car. Jay sighed and leaned his head against the rear of her seat in resignation. He had a feeling he wouldn't be getting anywhere for quite a while, and he'd be doing some explaining to Caroline. "Well, my drive was crazy, you see," he'd say, and then they would walk into the concert an hour late. How's that for class. Relying on a crazy woman for rides. Jay felt pretty bright, as he often did. Carin opened the door for her nameless invisible friend and climbed in. "You should make sure your seatbelt is buckled, friend. She's a crazy driver, miss Karen is." The engine suddenly roared to a start and they were off. Jay felt lost now, watching the wheel turning all of its own accord. What was I saying about Carin being crazy ... no, I mean, I have something to tell you, dear Caroline. I'm quite crazy. I don't think you'll ever marry me now. Amd if you do, dear, I think you are crazy ... Jay felt slightly ill, lost in thought. "So, Carin, when did you meet miss Karen?" "She's my twin." The scenery was speeding by now. "Oh. Why can't I see her." "I don't know. I can't see her because she doesn't exist." Carin laughed and started tapping her fingers on the dashboard. "But she's driving." "No, she's speeding." Carin turned around and pinched his cheek, her face flushed. "'You just don't understand, Jay!' Isn't drama fun? I used to think I'd be an actor. But now I'm not. I'm a waiter. Waiting and waiting and waiting, but I don't know what for, because nothing's happening for quite a while. I should just hang loose, don't you think?" "Oh, yes, Carin, whatever you say." Jay closed his eyes and tried to fall to sleep, hoping that those ten minutes would pass quickly. === "Caroline, dear, may I move in with you?" Jay looked out at Carin, waving from the passenger seat as the car pulled away from the curb, and prayed that Caroline would allow him to share the apartment. He wasn't sure he could handle Carin or her crazier twin Karen anymore. -------------------- To contribute, mail brideb@efn.org or phil@io.com To receibe this monthly, mail phil@io.com You can find my webpage at http://www.io.com/~phil/ Thank you for reading!