Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 33, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, August 18th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- It is a small world, unless you have to walk. ------------------------------------------- My dad always says he raised his children to be assholes, and we make him proud every day. ------------------------------------------- 1. Weird and Wonderful Webfrights on the InterNUT 2. Street guy 3. "Film Reviews" 4. The CoN movie review: SPAWN ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to: Shakesperian Insulter http://zenith.berkeley.edu/~seidel/Shaker/shake.cgi? ------------------------------------------- 1. Weird and Wonderful Webfrights on the InterNUT by Maxine Mahn, (Miss Manners on Acid) I figured that people reading this newsletter, have a lot of time on their hands. You know, the kind of people that need to get a life. Well while you are waiting to get a life, I thought I would give you some new sites on the InterNut to visit. http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/5671/ This is the perfect site for buying a present for a brat. You know the nephew, grandson that you can't stand. http://www.promotion.co.il/madcow/ I know you have been waiting for cows to revolt. Well here it is, the time is now. http://www.soundbites.com For people who can't read to well (namely brand new American Graduates of high school) and learn more from cartoons. (I didn't graduate from high school, so I can read!) http://www.com/user/gail/ladies For women, I hope there are a few of you out there. This site is what the True Woman should be! Men, there is still hope out there for you. Someday soon, the True Woman will be back! http://www.c-i-w.com/ This site is my favorite. It concerns the President Clinton Impeachment Site. (yea, team go!) http://www.thekiss.com/ For all you cyberspace lovers, this is for you. Just think you can now send the love of you life a big kiss. Big lips, small lips, blue lips, red lips, whatever lights your pantyhose! http://members.aol.com/onares/indes.htm For the alumni of the Offcenter Dentention Home, (and some who are still trapped there) the ongoing recreation of saturical classic Don Quixote. I know this might be completely over your heads. But remember you are starting a new life. http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/FaderMan/ For the man who has always wanted to dig up his backyard, but the little woman wouldn't let him. You can learn how to become "The Backyard Archaeologist". Just think how you can impress your neighbors!!!! http://athenet.net/~jlindsay/Shopping.shtml Truly the Internut Shopping Center. The pet collar you have been looking for, Afterglow Pet Collars, now half-life of 20,000 years. Or how about a Smoking Starter's Kit? A hot gift for maturing kids! Just a sample of hard to find gifts, for the person who has everything! http://www.azstarnet.com/~rgrogan/bambi/htm The complete guide for new and used Urban Hunters. This will make the little woman more secure, knowing you now know what and what not to hunt for. Complete instructions for even the drop outs that can't read. Plenty of pictures. Also has some fine links to explore, while you are still trying to find a life. I hope in my way, that I have bored you to tears. But remember I am just trying in my small way to help you find a new life. In the future issues of this Nasty Newsletter, if I am permitted, I will try and continue to completly drive you out of what you think is a normal life. Any comments to this column might get answered! Maxine Mahn, (Miss Manners on Acid) Send your comments to Miss Manners on Acid by hitting reply, and changing the subject to "Manners". ------------------------------------------- 2. Street Guy by Gard E Abrahamsen (quotes by memory only, and definitely not accurate) There is a story I'd like to tell that happened to me not too long ago, while I was living in Toronto. I was on my way home from work. It had been raining in the morning, so I had taken the subway instead of riding my bike, and so I found myself walking home, way beyond midnight. Walking up Yonge Street at this hour might be a bit scary for quite a few people, but I've gotten quite used to it. Of course, walking is somewhat scarier than riding. I have almost reached College, when a guy stops me and asks for the time. It is quite obvious that this person has not had a bed for quite a while. I tell him that it's 4am. He thanks, and we both continue in each our direction. Then he turns around and shouts after me. "Hey, could you spare me a looney (A Canadian dollar) for a cup of coffee?" I shake my head. "Sorry," I tell him. "I can't" He then walks back up to me and say that he can understand that I might be worried about him using it for drugs or things like that. And as (way too) deep my hear is, I tell him I would buy him a cup of coffee, but I will not give him no looney. He agrees. So we walk up to the Italian bakery on the corner of Yonge/Carlton/College, I buy us both each our cup of coffee. Again he asks for money, because he will get hungry later on. I ask him if he wants something to eat, and I'd buy him something to eat. "No, I'm not hungry right now. I will get hungry later on. Could you just spare a looney?" I tell him no, I would buy him something to eat, but I wouldn't give him a looney. We sit down by a table, and he starts telling about himself. He was from Winnipeg, and had been on the street for twenty years. He had in fact walked from Winnipeg to Toronto. He said he had been all over Canada, he had seen it all. He said that his sister wanted him to get back to Winnipeg, but he just couldn't face her. He showed me the letter. It looked as if it had been written by a six year old who had just learned how to write. "By the time you read this," it said, "I'm probably dead. I don't know how long how much longer I can go on like this." It was a letter of dispear. It told how he was back on drugs. How he couldn't hold a job. How he couldn't find his place in the world. But more importantly, how he found it so difficult to live with the memories. "I want to ask her," he said. "How do you get by? How can you live with yourself? She keeps telling me to put the past behind me. But I can't." I didn't know what his past was all about, but I assured him that most likely, whatever it was, it probably wasn't about him. And so he started telling me his story. He was eight years old. His sister was six. They had both been tied down. Spread eagled. "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" I was crying inside myself. Luckily his details stopped there. They had both been sexually abused by some guy that their mom had trusted. It had been going on for quite a while before she knew. He could remember how his sister had been crying. How he wanted to help her, but couldn't. How the guy tried to convince them that it was natural. "How can I live with that?" he asked. He showed me a number of scars on both his wrists. "I'm ashamed of these. I want to hide them away when I walk down the street." Several of the scars were across, but one scar was indeed along the artery. "I've tried to kill myself so many times, but there has always been somebody that saved me. Why?" "You are still worth something," I told him. "I have never experienced what you have experienced, but this did not happen because you deserved it, but because this guy was really bad. That it happened to you was circumstantial. It was not because of you, but because of him." I didn't expect him to get it immediately, it might well take a few days before it would sink in. "You must think I'm really low," he said. "No, you're worth as much as anybody else." I tried to reassure him. "You have only lived a different life, experienced different things. I can't possibly see the world exactly the same way you do, and without that, I can't possibly judge you or anybody else." Spontaneously Combusted Literature Volume 2 Issue 15 August 11th 1997 ------------------------------------------- 3. "Film Reviews" by Robert Bollig Well it's that time of year again folks. Time for the summer run of movies, and man do we have a bunch of degenerates this time around. I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised, it's a scientifically proven fact than any film without the word "road" somewhere in the title will suck donkey balls. Still, though, I always feel hopeful when I walk into a theater. Maybe this will be the one, the first good movie I see this year. Of course it never is. I should be able to tell that right from the start. As soon as I see that the ticket taker is having trouble with the daunting task of ripping a piece of paper in two I know I'm in for it. People in front of me tend to complain when the ticket taker has these types of problems, but come on, it's probably just his first day on the job. However, if realizing that an adult human being paid $6 an hour doesn't have the dexterity to tear on the indentation doesn't chill your soul, further horrors await you at the concession stand. The prices are horrendous. Shipping a bag of popcorn to the moon wouldn't even cost this much. If there are ever movie theaters on the moon, they'll STILL have to lower their prices to make it reasonable. On a recent trip to the movies I actually saw a sign that read "Real Movie Theater Popcorn Here!" Now I don't know about you, but I've never walked up to a concession stand and thought "that popcorn looks fake to me..." I mean, think about it, if it's popcorn and it's in a movie theater then it must be real movie theater popcorn, right? There's no way to get around the prices. You could always buy a smaller size but when you look at the prices you realize that it's useless. For $2.75 you get a cup of cola that looks like it's one of those urine specimens. For $2.80 you get the mega-orgasmic sized cup that contains approximately the same amount of liquid as Lake Winnipeg. If anyone ever spilled a whole one of these the result would probably be a tsunami. Of course you could always try to sneak in your own food and drink, but this doesn't work so well with popcorn. I once tried to sneak in a bag of popcorn in my shorts, but the stream of boiling hot yellow butter running down my leg not only gave me away, it also severely disrupted my flirtations with the lady at the ticket booth (which is really the only reason I go to the movies anyway.) Well, without further inturruption, here's Bob's Movie Reviews for the Summer Films. _Air Force One_: Now, I don't know about you folks, but I can't imagine Bill Clinton wrestling fully automatic weapons away from terrorists and beating them senseless with his bare hands. Hillary could probably pull it off, but definitely not Bill. _Face/Off_: Oh! Where to begin? Here we have a classic example of a movie who's only flaw was not explaining to the audience what the hell was going on. We did learn alot from this film, though. We learned that even if all of the agents involved are killed or wounded, and even if the main suspect gets away, the papers will still hail your FBI raid as a resounding success. We learned that all speedboats explode on impact. We also learned that if your writers think of several different possible endings for your movie, you don't have to pick one. You can just film them all and leave the audience to pick the one they like best. This movie also finally answered all of our worries about that burning question: What happened to Micheal Jackson, and what ever did he do with the Elephant Man's face? _Contact_: I won't review this one since I'm still trying to get a date with Jodie Foster. _Batman and Robin_: I have just one question. The hell? Watching this film was like watching a 90 minute commercial for Energizer Batteries. It also sports the two most pathetic "how I became a villain" stories in all of movie history. I mean honestly, when a scientist keeps a large, open vat of liquid nitrogen sitting just behind his equipment, he's just asking to be turned into a maniacle villain. In my theater, the surround sound went out half way through the film and people started complaining. I had to wonder: why? I would prefer the sound to go out entirely, then the audience could make up its own dialogue. As a side note, all of the audience members were better actors than half the cast. Of course we are left with several burning questions. Like, why is it that Mr. Freeze's suit needs frequent injections of huge diamonds to work, but my Maytag works fine plugged into a 110 volt outlet? I'd also like to know why the bat suit had nipples. I mean, unless Batman is lactating I think that's completely unecessary. The last thing I want to see when I go to the movies is a rubber impression of George Clooney's nipples. All in all you're paying $6.50 to see one good Alicia Sylverstone butt shot, the rest of the movie was a complete waste. _Spawn_: This is one of those fims that leaves you thinking, "Geez, evil is really dumb sometimes." We have here a satan who doesn't even know what the hell is going on in hell, but makes up for that defect by having the unique ability to talk without moving his lips. The story is that of Al Simmones who, after being sprayed with guacamole and set on fire by his boss, is reborn as a demon who strongly resembles Irving R. Levine. He makes upfor his lost looks though, by aquiring all types of interesting powers, such ashis new Swiss Army Hand. This is actually pretty interesting, whenever he needs a knife or four, there it is. I was expecting to see a spoon or bottle opener pop out of that wrist a couple of times. But what really worried me was the way Al refered to his mentor as an 'old man'. I mean, the guy looked like he was 45. Is this really what CIA killers reborn as demons think that old is? That was the scariest concept in the whole film. At the end the narrator infered that there would be a sequel. The tentative title is "Movie to be Released When Primary Film Location Freezes Over" _Men In Black_: Now, this film had Tommy Lee Jones in it, so there's no way I can possibly call it bad. But let's just say that every element of the film that was not a direct result of Tommy's influence was bad. I'm told that director Barry Sonnenfeld cried when he found out that the two million dollar model of the space cockroach wouldn't work right. I can only imagine that he had a similar reaction when he read the final draft of the script. We note that one of the aliens in this film demanded sugar after landing. I can only take this to mean that space travel between Alpha Centauri and Earth does not include an in-flight meal, this doesn't surprise me. Copyright 1997 Robert Bollig Permission is granted to distribute this material, in whole or in part, provided that this notice remains attached. ------------------------------------------- 4. The CoN movie review: SPAWN Movie Review by Jason MacIsaac Fuck numbers, letters, and stars, I don't rate movies. I don't read the Spawn comic books, but I've had someone describe them to me, and it seems like two days are taken on each individual frame of artwork, and about thirty seconds on the story for the year. A similar law applies for the movie. Now, if there are any comic book fans out there objecting to what I say, shaddap, because I've heard it all before. "Spawn deals with serious issues like child abuse and racism... blah blah blah" Congratulations, because nobody's EVER done that before. What does Spawn have to say about racism and shit, anyway? Are they good things or bad things? Anyway, the movie. A special forces officer realizes that the jobs he's been doing have lead to the loss of innocent lives. He tries to retire, but on his last job, he's betrayed and murdered. Little does he know his boss is in league with the forces of Hell, and that he's been selected to be their general in the war against Heaven. He's torn between the words of the evil Clown (John Luguizmo, and to give you an idea of what make-up can do, they turned him into the butt-ugly clown, and the most convincing transvestite "Chi-Chi Rodriguez" in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar) and Heaven's rep Coligstro (the dude who played Merlin in Excaliber). Meanwhile, his ex-boss plots global blackmail with the use of a biological weapon. Using his new spectral powers to morph into about anything, he can play into Hell's hands and seek revenge, or rebel, and save the world. In this movie, 90% of the effort has been spent on the special effects. Oh, but what special effects. Blades spring out of nowhere with a menacing sound. Fat clowns mutate into evil demons. Spawn's cape wraps around his armored body like fire. In fact, Spawn's cape has more expression than the actor playing him. Quite often the actors get in the way of special effects. You find yourself saying "Get the idiot out of the way, and lets see some more cool animation." Despite the mostly flawless animation, action sequences can be confusing and poorly directed at times (I thinking in particular of the climatic fight in Hell, where there's so much going on you're not sure if you're watching Spawn the movie, or playing Spawn on the N64). Characters aren't much to speak of. Coglistro is more interesting than Spawn, but we don't see nearly enough of him and they force him to speak in that "Enigmatic Master" shit, so we don't really get a sense of him. Martin Sheen, evil boss guy, talks like someone who's been accused of being gay, so he drops his voice down low. Male hormones are entertained by Melinda Clarke, who appears briefly as Jessica Priest (is the clever irony of that name punching you in the head yet?), the assassin who kills Spawn to set off this otherworldly chain of events. She wears a kinky leather outfit and high heels (like most professional mercenaries) in her brief time on screen. Some are saying that the only worthwhile character is the Clown, a sleazy demon who oozes wisecracks throughout the movie. In fact, he never shuts up. By making him yack non-stop, they often rob him of any sense of real menace. That's bad, because he's supposed to be Spawn's number one enemy for the movie. We also see the Lord of Hell, whom they gave a name stupid enough for me to forget. He is a badly-rendered CGI character with the voice of Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget. I was about as afraid of him as I am of my hamster, Winkie. Did I hate this movie? Nah. I'm being too harsh. I went in with low expectations and I was fine. I went to see special effects and lots of explosions, and I got 'em. If you managed to stomach the latest lame-ass Batman sequel, you can handle this. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere. Published every Monday (or Tuesday) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive. Comments and Queries welcomed. http://www.capnasty.org - ISSN 1482-0471 CoN is a weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions are available at no cost electronically. CoN is available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines This mailing is sent exclusively to those sage souls who have chosen to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such e-mail aggravate your current lactose intolerance, simply send an empty e-mail to leave@capnasty.org Brought to you by C.C.C.P. 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