Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 9, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, March 3rd, 1997 ------------------------------------------- This Issue of CoN is dedicated to the surviving passing members of the Problem Solving OAC course. Three years ago, these brave students managed to pass the course without being affected to the fullest by the Divine Intervenction of DiPede, in all his dundruff and glory (or viceversa), of the color purple, and most of all, the coke cans used to fix motorcycles as greatly explained in "Zen and the art of motorcycle repair". ------------------------------------------- I want to die like grandfather did. Peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like the other passengers in his car. ------------------------------------------- 1. Reader's Letters A. Nit-pickingly yours, B. haha, I must say that 2. Rough day at no frills. 3. Socialism & Communism 4. Men's 41 rules for women ------------------------------------------- 1. Reader's Letters A. Nit-pickingly yours, Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:45:27 -0800 To: Colin Barrett From: jburr@dnai.com Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.08 Leo, Colin, I found the Rugby players' exam this issue to be very amusing, however the poor jocks may still have gotten some of the questions wrong, even with the clues supplied, particularly in the questions about the USA. Imagine my shock at discovering several errors in the questions, including the following: >Which part of America produces the most oranges? >(a) New York >(b) California >(c) Canada >(d) Wisconsin Er....(e), None of the above? Florida is legendary as the largest orange producing area in the US, a fact most famously celebrated by Florida Citrus Growers Association Spokesperson Anita Bryant, the homophobic ex-Miss America who self-destructed after running for political office on a far right platform that mainly consisted of gay-bashing and Vitamin C. In San Francisco, in fact, Anita Bryant-bashing became commonplace, including boycotts on oranges and orange juice, and you could often see I Hate Anita T-Shirts on sale right next to the leather pants in shop windows along Castro Street. >What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? The athletes may have guessed this one on their own, however the clue might lead them astray in one small detail, it's the National Broadcasting Company. >What are people in America's far north called? >(a) Westerners >(b) Southerners >(c) Northerners >(d) Canadians Hmm, this again may be a small point, but the strange fact is that residents of such far northern areas as Maine, Wisconsin, and Washington state aren't reffered to as "Northerners" particularly, at least not in this country. Each instead has its own name, ie: people in Maine are called either "Yankees" or "New Englanders", Wisconsonites fall under the general "Midwesterner" designation, and people in Seattle are of course refered to as "Bill Gates' Serfs". And of course, Alaskans are simply Alaksans.The term Northerner is generally used only by Southerners, and then to refer to the entire North, meaning anything north of Kentucky, and for the most part only when the Civil War was still in progress. Although I must admit I don't get down there much, so I could be wrong about this last part. I recently heard from a cousin who now lives in Atlanta, Georgia, and apparently spends weekends re-enacting the famous battles of the Civil War, complete with uniforms and muskets firing blanks and so on. You always wonder if the idea, down there, is to keep doing it until it comes out differently. Having a cousin so into this sort of thing strikes me as reminiscent of the "brother against brother" flavor of the Civil War itself. Talk about having taken different paths in life, sheesh. I'll have to invite him to San Francisco someday for a glass of orange juice and a T-shirt. Nit-pickingly yours, -Kaliostro - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B. haha, I must say that Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 18:26:04 -0500 (EST) From: Litlitlitlitlittle fluffy clouds To: Colin Barrett Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.08 haha, I must say that sorry, I want to cancel this message, but for some unknown reason can't from this computer. I hit ^c, and it put my name. bizarre. anyway, i only hit reply by accident. Alessia - - - Dear Alessia, it's a shame you replied only by accident. CoN always looks forward to your mail. ------------------------------------------- 2. Rough day at no frills. by Leandro (ordnael@freenet.hut.fi) My wounds are still hurting from today. It was a rough day at work, especially considering we were selling 24 rolls of toilet paper for $1.99, and the store was packed. Even worse, there were just two grocery clerks in total, one of them being me, and the other being Rob. The store was crowded to the point that moving around in front of the cash meant getting stuck between too many customers, and for sure someone would've stopped us to ask some dumb question (ie. "do you work here?"). I found myself helping this blind customer, when suddenly I heard a scream at the front of the store. Rob and myself dashed to where the sound was coming from and we saw a commando from the IGA supermarket that had taken control of the cash section. One of the enemy clerks was holding a gun against the head of a cashier on cash 6, standing there crying while the IGA clerk was yelling his demands. The customers were all frozen in fear, and being moved to the side by another two members of the IGA militia. With our red no frills shirt we stood out in the crowd, and two of the IGA clerks began firing their weapons at us. Rob and I managed a daring escape in the produce backroom using customers as shields. Covered in blood, we managed to resist by throwing rotten tomatoes at the invading forces. We were outnumbered! 2 clerks versus the 5 that had taken control of the store. "What are we going to do Rob?" I asked, in panic. "Quick" he yelled "set your case-cutters from stun, to kill!" We pulled out our knifes and extended the blade to their maximum lenght. "They might overload!" I pointed out. "Yes" answered calmly Rob "but we can't let them take over the store and put prices higher!". He had a point there. "But there are five of them! We are outnumbered!" I cried. "What's wrong with you, clerk?" Rob screamed "did you think that joining the no frillian academy was a piece of cake?" I was about to reply when a voice boomed on the store's PA. "no frill clerks! Surrender now and you will not be harmed! You are outnumbered and we control most of the store!" "NEVER!" screamed back Rob over the PA, then he looked at me "Today Leo, it's a Goudas day to die". We quickly grabbed a few of the remaining tomatoes, the produce knife and with our case-cutters in hand we dashed outside. The first two IGA clerks were not expecting us to come out from the produce and attack them. With a swift throw, we neautralized them with the bacteriological lifeforms that were growing on the tomatoes' surface. I never thought I'd use one of no frill's secret weapons, and for a minute I was amazed at their destructive power as the IGA clerks' heads exploded. The other two IGA clerks seeing us began firing. We crawled beside the shelving, feeling the dried peas and beans hitting the cans of Goudas products all around us. "Let's split!" ordered Rob "you go through the creamery support room, while I'll cut by the bread section. They will not expect something like this". "You can count on me!" I yelled, and dashed for the creamery. Unfortunately the IGA clerks had the same idea, and without me realizing it, I was attacked from behind by one of them. I fired my case-cutter at him, but unfortunately my blade was dull and caused minimal damange. Lucky for me he was out of dried beans, and as he tossed his pea-gun aside, he jumped me, pounding his fist against my head. I was nailed on the floor trying to get his hands off my neck. "That's it" I thought "this is the end" when my hand felt a tub of sour cream. I opened it and with all the force I had left, I pushed it against the IGA clerk's face. He quickly let go of my neck and he started holding his face screaming, but it was too late. The sour cream had expired in '96, thus increasing it's devastating effect. The clerk kept on screaming until his jaw fell off. After that he fell to the ground, dead, the sour cream having burnt his brain. In pain, but still determined to free the store from the enemy, I grabbed an half eaten apple that had been sitting on top of the shelf for quite sometime. It was soft and moldy. The perfect weapon! I dashed to the front, avoiding the bodies of the fallen customers, when I saw the last IGA clerk still holding the gun at cashier number 6 and telling us to surrender or she would've been beaned. Rob seeing me smiled and yelled back from behind a counter "your clerks are all dead! Surrender now or you will die an horrible death in the meat room!" "Never!" yelled the IGA clerk. Rob stood up and with an elegant movement of his arm, launched the produce knife. The IGA clerk's eyes widened in surprise when the knife sank deeply in the cashier. He watched her silently drop to the floor. Oh well, cashier number six had never been good anyway. With a banzai scream, I launched my rotten apple, which disintegrated itself against his head. He looked at me in surprise before the fumes knocked him out. We grabbed him, and tied him in the meat backroom for our interrogation purposes. Once again we had saved the store from the cheap attemps of our adversaries to take over our sector. Captured by an incredible happyness Rob and I began dancing on top of the Pasta aisle, singing the no frill's anthem of victory. ------------------------------------------- 3. Socialism & Communism To: "Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro" From: malecki@algonet.se (Robert Malecki) Subject: Re: COCKROACH! #41 Date sent: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 13:10:47 -0500 >Hi Robert. > > I write a magazine called Capital of Nasty. Don't be discouraged >by the name, for we cover all sorts of topics. I especially like >your magazine, and I've been reading it for a while. Would it be >asking too much if you could write for us, something small (like a >screen full) of your views, and how you stand with socialism and >communism? Could you compare the two? I hope I am not asking too >much. Hi, Here is something that might due! And as far as the difference between "Socialism and Communism" it is for me the following. Socialism in a sense will be those transitional societies set up when the workers take power in their own name and take the long road to build a communist society..I will put you on the Cockroach list.. Bob Malecki THE TRANSTIONAL PROGRAM.. After Hugh's post on the transitional program i felt almost forced to do a close reading of it once again. it has been awhile since the last time. What is so incredible is how relative it is to today,s situation. As a working class kid it was the Transitional program which first attracted me to the Trotskyists. It was the answer i needed after being raised in a ghetto with working class parents. I was raised on picket lines and the McCarthy era. Later on used a a piece of meat in imperialist colonial warfare both in Cuba and Vietnam. When I first began to wake up it was hardly the Trotskyists i turned too, but direct action, some very adventurist action, directed at taking on imperialism single handidly! Well, it did not work and i wound up in exile first in Europe and later Scandinavia. Here I came into contact with the Transitional Program. A little book (60 pages) which for the first time showed me a way out of the dead end. Only to find out through futher studies the Stalinists had sabotaged any kind of Bolshevik politics in the workers movement over a whole historical period leading up to today. But i knew that if there was a way out this was it. Unfortunately at this time there were very few workers at least in Europe who adhered to any kind of Trotskyism. In fact it was mostly students and intellectualls in the post war revival around Vietnam and May of 68. Naturally this unbalance has caused a lot of problems and splits in the Trotskist movement. It is much easier for a student to theorize and split here and then there then for a working class kid. In fact it has been very difficult trying to find a way through the maze of intellectuals claiming the banner. But what kept me hanging on was that little book the Transitional Program and Trotskys and Lenins writtings.. In fact if all of those who claim the Trotskyist mantel were to take this document (The transitional Program) as a starting point for and International regroupment it would be a great leap forward in preparation for come what must! The post war Trotskyists groups have also been effected by much of what has happened. There has been some pretty horrible opportunism, out right betrayal, splits and all the rest. One of the main reasons I believe is the tremendous pressure put on these groups both by events, but also the domination of the Social Democrats and the Stalinists in the Labor movement. And not in the least the physical liqidation of Trotskyist cadre during this historical period. Many still are sitting in their trenches, others who make the claim of being Trotskyist and who are opportunist to the core and even others who have become old and inbittered or just given up.No group or individual has been left unscarred by all of this. Therefore i claim that no group or tendency can claim the mantel without a serious International conference taking place for a discussion of the very basics. In the Trotskyist world there is also a tendency of not seeing what the enormous events in the past years really mean. A tendency of despair, a tendency of trying to find new slick formulas and a tendency to completely disregard events that open up a real opportunity for the future. The most vital is the complete disintegration of the Stalinists and the jump by the Social Democracy in to the camp of the bourgeoisie! Naturally we have left overs from the Stalinist parties, not in the least the maoists of the ultra left period, but also of the right period. However without state power and Moscow or Peking to hold them up they are dead in the workers movement. There ideas stem from many of the dead end tactics of the now dead Stalinism. All the various groups and tendencies of Stalinism are in a shambles. The Euro-Communists are becoming Social Democrats. The State Capitalists are trying to reorientate their fundemental counter revolutionary betrayal of any kind of Bolshevik politics. The Anarchists are in a shambles. The Social Democrats are leaping into the arms of the bourgeois. Today more then ever in the Transitional program and the basic documents of the of the Trotskyist left opposition up until its founding lie the seed of a revolutionary regroupment Internationally under the banner of a reforged Communist International. All of the present tendencies and groups who do not take this opportunity to go back to the very basics and founding documents of the Fourth International, but continue on their merry way as if nothing has happened the last few years in regards to the Stalinist and Social Democratic traitors of the International Proletariat and do not realize that The transitional program (in its entirety) makes a good ground for an International regroupment of forces claiming the Trotskyist banner would be criminal. In fact more than criminal, a direct betrayal of those in back of us who fought and died for these documents in one of the blackist periods of history.But also a direct betrayal of the International Proletariat that has been beheaded of its Social Democratic and Stalinists leadership in later years and a Revolutionary leadership far longer! The International Proletariat has no leadership today! Into this space that has opened up would be a good place for a reforged International leadership of Trotskist forces based on the fundemental documents of the movement we derived from! But it should be based on those documents in their entirety and a leadership and a cadre who are prepared to fight for that program in forming a mass revolutionary vanguard. It can not be a halfway house for those who advocate just parts of the Transitional Program, nor ultra leftists who deny that the program does not go far enough! But a cadre who are prepared to move forward on the concrete basics and the Transitional program in its ENTIRETY. That i,m afraid is the only road forward! That i am prepared to work for. All else is just bullshit! For the first time since the consolidation of the Stalinists as a counter revolutionary force in the Labor movement, their power is broken! Smashed and disintegrated by its own rotten politics and imperialist pressure. The Social Democrats after this Spectacular event have taken gigantic leaps into the arms of the bougeoisie both on the National level and International level. For the first time the path is layed wide open for the intervention of the basic politics of the Fourth International. If we miss this chance we are heading for a new and unpresidented period of barbary! But this time we can not blame the Stalinists and the Social Democrats. The blame must be put squarely on the shoulders of those who claim the mantel of Trotskyism! Finally without a serious International Conference an attempt of regroupment by all parties and groups on the basic fundementals and Transitional Program of Trotsky and the Left Opposition the Proletariat should turn their backs to all of those claiming the mantle, because none of you deserve the right of their history. Besides it is only these documents that can lay a basis for real unity and possibility of moving Forward to the reforging of the Fourth International. Bob Malecki ================================================== Check Out My HomePage where you can, Read the book! Ha Ha Ha McNamara, Vietnam-My Bellybutton is my Crystalball! Or Get The Latest Issue of, COCKROACH, a zine for poor and workingclass people http://www.algonet.se/~malecki ------------------------------------------- 4. Men's 41 rules for women by WAYNE WILLIAM SMITH Love Court MEN'S 41 RULES FOR WOMEN 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay... maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 28. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 30. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 31. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 32. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 33. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 34. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 35. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 36. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 37. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash) is cute. 38. Don't hog the covers. 39. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 40. He does not just want to be friends. 41. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?" -------------------------------------------